我很幸福

在今天到来之前，我其实心里有那么一点希望能跳过这一天。


我一直是个幸福的人。

刚刚和父母视讯，爸妈心疼我21岁生日得在异乡度过，妈妈答应在我回国时替我补办生日派对，爸爸则叫我在生日这一天好好去餐厅吃大餐，他替我买单，最高消费是一百元。

爸，你女儿我怎么可能用你的钱花一百澳元去餐厅消费呢？

我并不觉得生日这一天生日的人应该被给予任何的特别待遇，尤其来自于父母。

爸，妈，我真的很感谢你们把我带到这个世上，我很感恩自己是在父母期许下长大的，我更感恩父母对我无限的信任、宽容与宠溺。

我有一个就算我长这么大了还会在餐厅帮我切鸡排的爸爸，还有一个总是会顾及我感受的妈妈。

爸妈总希望能让我们过上更好的日子，但我对于我们家的环境真的已经太满足了。


我一直是个很幸福的人。

爸妈让我出生于这么一个特别的日子，让我感受自己真的有那么一点特别。

中学时期每年的国庆日庆典，我总是会被叫上台，或是被赠与生日卡片，或是吹蜡烛切蛋糕，虽然我总是觉得特难为情。

也因为得到一些异性的欣赏，我见识了好些送礼的别出心裁。


我一直是个非常幸福的人。

我有一群重视我的朋友，永远不让我落单。

甚至愿意以我的要求为标准，尽力地满足我。

他们的宽容纵容了我的蛮横和霸道。


我何其幸福。

我的生日有好多好多美好的回忆，但比起快乐，人总是更能记住悲伤。

以前以为的美妙，现在却变成了让人不愿回首的往事。

但我深信有一天，快乐的份量能把悲伤淹没，到时我就看不见悲伤了。

错过

假期前一直都很忙碌，甚至都不怎么和好友们联络。

待我再跟她们联系时，天知道她们经历了多少变故。

我一直是一个很没有安全感的人，不只对爱情如此，对友情亦然。

我一直很害怕，害怕错过好友们的快乐，更害怕错过她们的悲伤。

朋友知道我是一个情绪管理不怎么好的人。

所以她们都会为了不影响我而总是在事情发生后再告诉我。

当我听见她们用轻描淡写地口吻述说已发生的事，我很难不去责怪自己为什么没有在她们最难过的时候陪伴她们，就算帮不上忙，也希望能适时给予她们一些温暖。

学业固然重要，但人生还有太多更重要的事了。

有时候要取得平衡真的不容易，尤其是对于我这么一个一心不能二用的人来说。

但我真的不希望因为学业而失去太多本该属于我的回忆和友情。

自责兼反省中......

无能

Mid sem break前的最后一个assignment是一篇History Essay。

那是继summer course之后另一个让我崩溃的assignment。

Essay writing本就是我的死穴。

Architectural writing更是要了我的命。

而问题基本上已经不是我能不能及格，能不能按时交功课了，而是我能不能读得明课文。

基本上课本读不明，问题已不仅仅是我对英文生字的认识太浅薄。

因为就算我把所有生字都用字典查了一遍，就算我把课文重复念了再多遍，我还是不知道重点在哪里。

每一次写Architectural writing，我只有一个念头——放弃，我只有一个想法——我没有资格继续念下去。

我真的不知道自己凭什么还能在这里继续念下去，我根本没有别人该有的水平。

我为什么如此差劲。

我这二十一年到底都学了些什么。

对自己能力的质疑，甚至也让我开始质疑自己的存在。

我只能说自己很幸运，总是得到别人的帮助，一次又一次地化险为夷。

这一次是Jabez帮我选课文，和我解释课文，并且替我写guideline的。

虽然是他主动帮我的，但是后来他脸色越来越黑了，我就一直在想他是不是后悔帮助我了。

况且他明明很早就提醒我们快点开始写作业，好让他有时间可以给我们一些指导。

但我却在last minute还懵懵懂懂，还是他帮我选定课文后我才有一些头绪。

但我却还是一直搞错重点，一直不停去烦他。

我想再有耐心的人遇到我这个白痴都会被气死。

到最后我都觉得自己脸皮真的很厚了，为什么可以那么烦人。

真的觉得既惭愧又无地自容。

这一次算是惊险度过了。

但我不可能每一次都那么幸运，能得到别人的帮助，终究有一天我得凭自己的能力去完成的。

我真的好害怕有一天我只剩下无助及无措。

没有能力，原来可以是那么令人恐惧的事。

让自己的存在成为别人的祝福

迈入第五个年头了。

四年里，我所有的心思只为了一个人。

因为自己那该死的骄傲，我的心思是那么的含蓄、那么的不动声色。

期待对方懂我，明白我所有的心思。

然而到了最后，我开始疑惑，究竟这所谓的默默付出是为了感动对方，还是只为了感动我自己。

四年里，我放不下，我按耐不了自己想送上祝福的心思。

甚至我希望记得对方的永远只有我一人，我希望自己对于对方永远是最特别的。

我以为只要我坚持，我们之间的联系就不会终止，就算它是那么的虚无飘渺。

现在，既然知道自己不会是最特别的那一个，我的坚持是该结束了。

朋友说，我对爱情是有洁癖的。

我要的爱情是唯一，是不分离。

既然我没有能力成为对方的唯一，那我的代价只能是摧毁我所相信的唯一。

对于现在的我们，物质或言语的祝福都显得多余，希望仅仅我的存在能成为你的祝福。

能坦荡吗？

开学的第一个星期，我还是像以往一样，紧张到不行。

我真的是什么都可以紧张，明明只是开学而已，我可以紧张到整晚都睡不着觉，上课时还手脚冰冷兼冒汗。

汗颜啊。我真不是个可以处理心里压力的人。

不过还好这星期还算过得顺利，只是我还有一点holiday mood。

我很感恩假期的忙碌让我没多余的时间胡思乱想，开学时心情都已经整理好了。

但万万没想到开学的第一天，一声问候却让我早已平静的心掀起了大大的涟漪。

我很气，气自己为什么那么容易被影响。

心像是随着别人的指挥在跳动的感觉真的很不好受。

我也非常地讨厌这种不明不白的感觉，这一切到底算是什么？真的让我摸不着头脑。

以前总认为只要别人愿意和我做朋友，就算曾经再这么伤害我，我都可以不介意。

但渐渐长大了，却因为各种原因，心里的那张拒绝往来客户名单越来越长。

总得压抑着自己远离某些人，因为自己会受伤；抑或是告诉自己不能接近某些人，因为会伤害对方。

人为什么就是不能简单一些，坦荡一些呢？

这样活着真的好累。

The very last week of winter break

July 9th (Monday)
Finally I got one day off. Spent my day reading novel.

张小娴-面包树上的女人。

女主角被男朋友背叛了两次，最后还是愿意回到他身边。

以前，我不懂女人为什么会那么傻，可是现在我好像能理解了。

佳俊问我，看爱情小说会有什么收获。

我想应该就是变得更多愁善感吧。

July 10th-12th
Spent 3 days making a birthday video for Kwan Song.





July 13th (Fri)
Yen Shiang was back to Sydney from Canberra so we have dinner at China Town and went to Max Brenner for dessert.


July 14th (Sat)
Before Yen Shiang went back, we had lunch at JJ's house.

At night, we visited a lounge called the Vanguard at King Street. It was a task given for our course.

July 15th (Sun)

Another 3 days for Zhe fuh's birthday video.

July 16th (Monday)
The very end of our winter break, we paid another visit to a lounge, 505 in Surry Hill.

Yen Shiang in Sydney

Well, my holiday was quite a great and compact one. Went to lots of places with great buddies. And I have wanted to record everyday's happenings in my blog but that lazy bug Khoo Chee Shean still doesn't want to upload all the photos. So I guess I will just skip the Sydney and Melbourne Tour first and proceed with the day I returned to Sydney from Melbourne.

So, I came back on 4th of July and Yen Shiang was actually already here since 2nd. On the very next day which was 5th of July, I continued my journey.

5/7/2012 (Thurs)
We went to Manly mainly because Winjing got us a great deal online whereby we can have prawn and mussel buffet for only $16 pp. And we spent a lovely day there. Shame on me for only realizing Mainly is not actually an island.

 Winter wear and beach - a weird match >< 

The girls. 

 

Yen Shiang wanted some interesting photo. So here you go.

Ben & Jerry Ice Cream. I wonder why we had dessert just before lunch. 

Finally the buffet! 

Prawn and mussel with wine and beer.  

Meng Min asked me to take photo with every cathedral that i come across. You know, she always have weird thought.

Adriana Zumbo's famous Macaroon. Not really as nice as expected.

6/7/2012 (Fri)

On the very morning, we went to Sydney Opera House to get out ticket first and then off we went to Fish Market to have our lunch. Had some calamari, oyster, scallop and crab. Not really worth the price but a good try maybe.   

After lunch, we walked to the casino, stayed for like half an hour and took a bus to The Rocks to have the lovely pancake.

My eighth time there, still nice, but I don't really wish to go there too often.

After pancake, it was the main and final destination of the day: The Sydney Opera House. Our first time to go inside. We chose to listen to an orchestra inside the biggest concert hall. The building is amazing but the orchestra was simply not my cup of tea. I dozed off at the 1st half an hour, woke up after the other half an hour, happy to see everyone leaving their seat and thought it was over. But Winjing told me it was just the middle break. Gosh.   

7/7/2012 (Sat)

Destination of the day: IMAX and Hurricanes.

 We walked from China Town to Darling Harbour. Met Wuen Han, Lee Shyang and Yean Long in China Town.

 Watched Spiderman at IMAX. It was amazing.

And Hurricanes for dinner. Quite my taste but Meng Min said it's too sweet. And lucky us to be able to watch the firework during our dinner.

8/7/2012 (Sun)

Initially I wanted a day off after my long trip but I just couldn't resist their persuasion. So, it's Blue Mountain again.

Scenic World 

At night, we met up with Aqil and his friends for dinner

Gold Coast Trip (21-26/6/2012)

20/6/2012 (Wed)
欣静来悉尼，大家一起在我们家聚餐。

21/6/2012 (Thurs)
Reached Gold Coast around 10am.

On the way to hotel from airport

Gold Coast Holiday Park

Lunch at pool side cafe.

Bought some grocery at nearby supermarket. 

Home cook pasta as dinner

22/6/2012 (Fri)
Movie World

Walked about 30mins to Movie World. Gosh. 

Main entrance

The rides are simply awesome. =)

Waiting for Batman performance.

Burger as lunch

SS session

Kid's World

Seafood Tomyum bihun as dinner

23/6/2012 (Sat)

Wet and Wild - It was simply a crazy idea to visit a water park during winter. We were all freezing. Only stayed for 3 hours and then we left for Gold Coast Harbor Town.

 We were the early birds.

 Pasta as lunch

Dinner

24/6/2012 (Sun)

Sea World. And we walked around Surfer Paradise at night.

Waiting for parade.

Spongebob parade.

Dessert after lunch.

Jet Rescue Coaster

Night market at Surfer Paradise

Steak as dinner

25/6/2012 (Mon)

One-day tour to Brisbane. We all went separately to meet up with our own friend. Many thanks to Jien as awesome guide. Mei Lian and her friend joined us. We walked around CBD, South Bank and UQ. And yes, we had a great time. =)

Ferry 

 UQ Law Building

Everyone met up at the end of the day. =)

26/6/2012 (Tue)

The very last day of our stay in Gold Coast. It was rainy and we were kinda stuck. So we took our luggage to Movie World, took some photo and off we left for airport.

photo credit to Meng Min, Mei Lian, JJ and Jabez.